what I remembered

季節の変わり目は、いろいろなことを思い出したりしやすい。忘れてしまっていたこと、年月日までは具体的ではないけど断片的に鮮明に切り取られていること。

Somehow, at that time, I have already known that life doesn't always go on easily. Adult people around me look happy and satisfied with their lives most of time. But I sometimes saw people with very scary faces in trains, at town, and everywhere. Scary deep wrinkles are drawn on their faces by passing time. Then I thought "They must have had many hard times in their lives." and the idea made me frightened to face up with my future. It seemed too scary to keep going on my life. And I felt I was not brave enough to be an adult.

Nowadays still I remember clearly how I felt. I was not ready to have responsibility on myself then, and I am not now, either. The deeply wrinkled faces of others still really terrify me. I love my granma's wrinkled face, but it is not the same. I am not afraid of getting old at all. It is not the point I am saying. A young baby boy makes people smile easily mostly, but then he gets old like "a-old-man" enough, he obviously wears a scary grumpy old man's face on. And what happened is usually just his life. His life was there like others were.
It sometimes seems so weird that makes me wanting to stop going forward. Once I stop, I can look into a mirror to check my face if there are no scary wrinkles.

The other day, I met a guy who shares my old perspective. It made me frightened once again. The only reason I feel fear to get old is my thoughout become old to the others.

たぶんわたしの感じることは、だれかにとっての“古い考え方”になっていく。そのことに対する恐怖と安堵は、これからもずっとわたしの中に在り続けていくことになるのだろう。